[ A tension rises within him as he's crushed within Eikichi's arms. His mind lags behind, like he's living this moment while being submerged in water. Logically, he knows this is Eikichi. His bro. His best bud. His-- ]
Eikichi.
[ Slowly, life seems to come back to his eyes and his arms come up to return the embrace as they plow into his friend's room. ]
Eikichi...
[ He utters again, taking him in as though it's the first time he's ever seen him. Junpei thought he was a mess -- but Eikichi has been through it himself from the looks of him. Junpei reaches up, tenderly pulling the forest debris from his blue hair. And then the emotion slams into him like a freight train. Junpei curls forward, fisting the center of Eikichi's torn shirt. It had been a month since he'd seen him. Although, that's not entirely true. It felt like a lifetime since he'd seen him. Sixteen whole years. ]
Eikichi, is this--
[ Real. Junpei's life had become a nightmare. And he's not sure which is the worst part. Chidori's death. The impending death of the world. Or the knowledge that he'll forget Eikichi's existence as soon as he leaves this world. There's no helping him or Tatsuya. There's not a damned thing he can do. Doomed to forget it all...just the same as Eikichi and Tatsuya. ]
[He's going to hold on to that hug for far longer than he should, but part of him wants to make sure Junpei really is there too.]
Is this...what?
[He's not sure what type of answer Junpei wants, because truthfully Eikichi is not sure what answer he has for him.]
You mean, the fae realm right? Yeah. When everyone returned to normal, you weren't there so I...thought maybe you'd gotten stuck somewhere else. Or you'd been turned into...
[A shadowman. He knows it can't happen, it's not like Nyarlathotep is here but...]
[ Junpei's eyes lower -- first to Eikichi's lips and then settling on his chest. That's right. The magic going crazy. He and Eikichi sleeping on the floor. Junpei couldn't say what happened to him. One night he went to sleep near Eikichi and the next there was nothing. Not until he came back and was promptly summoned away. ]
I came back just like everyone else. Then I got called to the throne room.
[ His teeth clench and he suddenly steps back from the hug to seize Eikichi's wrists. His grip is desperate. Wild. Haunted. ]
Whatever you do, if they come looking for you -- if they want you to go to the throne room and refuse to say why...you can't go. You can't go, Eikichi! Whether you have to fight them. Whether you get killed trying. You can't go!!
[ Junpei's shoulders heave. Tears begin to spill. And with a shuddering sob, he's back against Eikichi's chest -- arms wrapping around him again. The next thing he says is practically a whisper: ]
They'll send you home if you do. And I can't lose you like that...
[...a lot to take in. Both from how Junpei is acting - clearly he was sent back to his world. Even someone like Eikichi can piece two and two together. He now knows why Junpei is acting this erratic, and there's a pang of pain at seeing him this open about the desperation, but also anger at the fae. But also...the whole irony of them being the only reason how they are able to be at the same place. He sighs, and hugs him again. If a bro needs a hug, he'll provide it. Bro code and all of that...]
...okay I promise I'll do my best to stay around for as long as possible and fight if I have to.
[Deep down, however, he knows. The world here doesn't have a solution. It's not a miracle place. It's twisted much like the fae and while not as horrible and terrifying as what he might have faced before, it still is, at its very core, a crossroad that isn't meant to be a permanent solution. Eventually they'll all need to go home. Eventually, they will have to say goodbye. Eventually, they'll have to forget. But each day, he wishes more and more he didn't have to, and that eats at him too.]
[ He nods, forehead to chest -- feeling the soft thump of Eikichi's pulse. I can hear you. The sound of your beating heart. Ba-dump. Ba-dump. Junpei spends a few minutes trying to capture this, trying desperately to collect some piece of Eikichi to stay with him when the inevitable comes. But it all feels so futile. In the end, there's nothing either of them can do. Junpei pulls back -- wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand and chasing it off with an embarrassed laugh. ]
You look like you've been through hell, man. Get yourself cleaned up. I'll....be okay.
[ A lie. ]
It must've been real lonely....a whole month without me around to pester ya!
[ He's trying so hard to return to some of his typical humor, but all of it rings hollow. Junpei seeks out Jackson as a distraction, clicking his tongue for the kitty's attention and hefting him up to carry over to the bed. He can't keep hugging Eikichi, after all. So it's slightly more acceptable to cuddle with the cat. ]
[It's a lie. Eikichi knows it's a lie, but that's also the curse of knowing when someone is lying - he can pretend to ignore it. Not out of malice, but to give Junpei some space. Much like Tatsuya, he wants them to talk to him on their own.]
Eh, just fought a few monsters in the forest. You should see how they look, bro. [He goes to look in his pockets and pulls out a tissue to give to Junpei, but part of it is already caked with some blood.] Oh. Never mind. [...] Oh! Don't worry, it's not my blood. [He digs into his other pocket, and finds a clean one, so he gives it to Junpei. Then tilts his head to the side like a confused puppy.]
A whole month? Nah bro, it's been about a week and half for us.
[Jackson looks delighted at seeing Junpei again, meowing at him before clawing his way up to his elbow even before he had begun clicking at him.]
[ Don't worry it's not my blood, he says!! Junpei flicks a glance toward him, concerned. Some of it is...definitely Eikichi's blood. Why the hell was he out in the woods?? Only idiots--
Oh.
Was he...looking for him? It's no secret it's where Junpei went from time to time to train on his own. At least it's no secret to Eikichi. His hands curl around the offered tissue, but the hand simply falls to his lap rather than doing anything with said tissue. What Eikichi says about time is all the more proof of how time is fucked up between their worlds and this one. ]
A week and a half.
[ He echoes, letting that sink in. Idly, he strokes Jackson behind the ear. ]
Sorry. To make you worry for even that long.
[ His eyes lower. There's a selfish part of him that wants to be in Eikichi's arms again, if only because for a brief period the world ceased to exist. In the loss of Chidori, Junpei hadn't allowed anyone to touch him -- hadn't bridged the gap himself. And yet, it was Eikichi who he reached for in the end, a guy a whole universe away. Doomed to share the same world and yet never cross paths. ]
Eikichi?
[ Junpei hugs Jackson to his chest, cuddling the little kitten, as his eyes meet Eikichi's. He always felt more connected to Eikichi and Tatsuya than the other persona users, but now he's never felt that connection stronger than in this moment. Junpei's not ready to talk about all of it, but he will at least say this much. ]
[He kinda figured that one out with what Junpei had said before. Still, no questions about how that went directly.]
It's fine bro. It's not like it was your fault anyway. [Truthfully, he'd been a slight mess, judging from his makeup, but the fact he knew that his name tag was there kept Eikichi from having his own breakdown. Maybe he just got a little more violent than normal. It's fine. It was all fine.]
Wait...w-wait...what do you mean by that? [There's a pit in his stomach as he clutches his chest. Was his group betrayed too? Did Nyarlathotep come back after all? Fuck fuck...] But-but the Phantom Thieves! W-we know they exist too right?
[ Maybe there was a way. A way at the end of it all. If the Phantom Thieves do exist, the world clearly didn't die as Ryoji seemed to believe was inevitable. But it's looking more and more likely the path forward would mirror the one his predecessors had to take -- something extreme. ]
We were tricked by that asshole Ikutsuki into beating all the Full Moon shadows. His plan all along was for us to defeat them so they could all merge into one supreme being and initiate The Fall. Death is coming for the world. There's no stopping it. Our only choices right now are to give up our memories and die in peace...or try to fight it and die.
[ Junpei looks up, brows drawn together. For him, this literally just happened only an hour ago, so it's still all too fresh. ]
I've never been more scared of what's to come in my life, man.
The Fall...[It sounds serious. As serious as whatever had happened in his own world. The fact they'd been told there was no stopping it just makes Eikichi angry. Of course.]
What a load of fucking bullshit. [If he means between the choices or death coming to the world, he's not exactly explaining. He sits next to Junpei and sighs.]
...I get it. Facing off against Nyarlathotep was terrifying. He took the form of our fathers fused together...[But this isn't about him. It's about Junpei. He takes one of the other's hand and squeezes it briefly.]...thinking back to everything that happened, if I'd been offered the chance to give up our memories to die in peace or fight him, then have to give up our memories anyway...I'd still fight him.
I think...that's what you're implying, right? You know you want to fight, but you don't know how it will turn out? That'll be like us?
[ He lets out a faint breath of amusement when Eikichi calls it a load of fucking bullshit. It's....definitely the best way to put it. Perhaps the most eloquent way of calling it out. Because it is bullshit. Fucking Bullshit. The comment about the fused fathers earns an eyebrow raise, but Junpei can't question it because Eikichi's just taken his hand. Eikichi's not exactly a keep-to-his own space kinda guy, but also he's not the take someone's hand kinda guy either. So this touch feels significant. Junpei's tempted to turn his hand and thread fingers together -- but he doesn't. Afraid he'll be pushed away.
Eikichi's touch feels like a lifeline. It keeps him grounded. Keeps him from breaking entirely. ]
Yeah. Even if we find a way to win, we're still gonna forget. If the Dark Hour ends, our memories go with it. So no matter how this plays out, we're going to lose something. Not that anyone but Minato can make the decision anyway.
[ A darkness toes at the edge of his last remark. This is far from the playful rivalry. It's something bitter. Something angry. This is all Minato's fault in a way, isn't it? He was the one who carried Ryoji or whatever the hell Ryoji is for most of his life. Junpei tries to push it to the side -- he tries squeezing Eikichi's hand so he can get some of that grounding energy again. When it doesn't work as well as it did initially, Junpei scoots closer, head falling onto Eikichi's shoulder. ]
What was it like to fight that guy? The Nyarly guy. What's it like to face off against a god?
[There's a sigh from Eikichi, but probably not for the same sort of bitterness that Junpei might think.]
That's a hell of a lot of pressure to just put on a single person, leader or not. I don't know if I could take that type of decision without cracking, personally...
[Unlike Junpei's bitterness, Eikichi sees it more like having to make an impossible trolley decision for all of them. Of course, he doesn't know about Ryoji either, but he knows what they had to do back then, and it was a group decision. For the greater good, in part caused by the very same thing that was giving them that opportunity. Good think Tatsuya had punched him. What would have happened if any of them had faltered? He doesn't know. Maybe he himself did, and he got taken just before he rejects the idea of losing his friends.
Or maybe....or maybe that's why he hasn't talked with Tatsuya yet. Afraid of the clues that had been building up.
But he can think about that later. He brings his free hand to his forehead and runs against it for a few seconds to think.]
He's not exactly a god. He's more a force or something primal that's in all of us. Before he left, he called himself the Shadow of humanity. As long as there is darkness in our hearts he exists. How to describe fighting him?
Well, he's evil incarnate, bro. We fought him in the centre of the collective unconsciousness. I told you before how Jun got brainwashed by him? Well the fucker brought back both his parents to life strung on crosses in front of him, just to kill them again after he let them talk to Jun. He slapped Lisa on the face when she tried to attack him. Just thinking about everything he did to set us up makes me blood boil. I wanted to kill him so, so bad. Strangle his neck to see him choke. He could turn into anyone or anything...
When we fought him, he turned into a form that was all our fathers fused together into an unholy creature. It was frightening and disheartening and infuriating all at once. If we didn't have any Personas, I think any normal human would have gone mad at the sight of him. He corrupts all he touches.
When we won, he couldn't accept it, that bastard had an ace up his sleeve. He cheated. He had one of Tatsuya's schoolteachers who had been part of this grand conspiracy gone mad into believing the prophesy needed her to kill Maya with the Spear of Destiny. And that set off the rest of the damn rumor and the world stopped spinning, killing anyone who wasn't on the spaceship we were on.
[The more he speaks, the more he realizes he's increasing the pressure on Junpei's hand and releases it all at once.]
Shit. Sorry.
[He shakes his head.]
The only reason I'm not as angry anymore is I met you and the other people in our future. So I know that in the end, bastard didn't get to saviour his goddamn victory.
[ It strikes something down in his core as Eikichi describes Nyarlathotep. Not as a god but a force. Darkness. Isn't that so very similar to how Ryoji described Nyx? Nyx came because humanity wished for death. Eikichi's team faced the collective darkness of humanity -- something that could honestly never be defeated, no matter how much light one brought to the table. Whereas SEES is about to face Death. A force that inevitably comes for them all.
Neither is a battle that can be won in any straightforward way. And as Eikichi explains the things he faced, that's proof right there, isn't it? Eikichi is one of the most good-hearted people Junpei has ever met and even he has his own bit of darkness -- that swirling anger at how he wanted to take out this guy. It's understandable. And Junpei felt his own rage similar toward Takaya and Jin. After Junpei had done the impossible and cheated death...
He grimaces a little when Eikichi's grip gradually tightens, but he doesn't complain. It's not until Eikichi has pulled back that Junpei even acknowledges any hurt by flexing his fingers. Sensation has returned to him in full. That's...probably a good thing, right?
His eyes meet Eikichi's after he concludes his story and his heart beats a little quicker at that mention of meeting him being a reason he's not angry anymore. Of course, Eikichi includes the others in that as well, but he very clearly mentioned Junpei first. And Junpei very quickly realizes those things he started to feel before he vanished and went home for a month -- they're still there. In fact, they might be even stronger now, knowing they're on borrowed time. Knowing that Junpei will someday lose Eikichi forever.
He looks away, toward Jackson...uncertain what to say and remaining quiet for a breath of time. ]
As long as there's still good in the world, Darkness can never have it. Not fully. And you guys...you're about as good as you can get.
[ He offers a faint smile. It fades off after a bit. ]
I guess....it's the same kinda thing for Nyx. Humans willed death into the world, and so she's coming to deliver their wish. I can't say I ever wished for death, but there was a relief when it came for me.
[ Slowly, he reclaims Eikichi's hand to bring it to his chest -- right where his heart beats. ]
I was shot. Fatally. By Strega.
[ And for now, he leaves it there. Not wanting to talk about Chidori. Not wanting to rehash her sacrifice. It should have been him who died that night. ]
We're all just teens tryin' to live our lives. I guess Persona users just tend to be a little more special than others.
[He smiles back when Junpei does, but it quickly sinks as he continues on, turning into a frown.]
Humanity wishes for darkness, humanity wishes for death, humanity wishes for...[shit what did the Phantom Thieves fight? He doesn't really know so he just waves his hand around for dramatic effect.]...I don't know! Some other bullshit excuse they'll like to blame on us. Fuck 'em all!
[Then he stops. Wait. He died?! The world around them suddenly goes silent, except for Jackson's soft purr and the heartbeat under his hand. That doesn't make any sense.]
Y-you died? I...don't say that like that man...[Did Maya feel relief too when she died, bleeding out from the wound? He turns his head away from him because it's painful to think about Junpei living the same thing. ]...sorry I...
[It's been months of being here, but Maya's death is still a fresh memory as if it happened five minutes ago. How did it happen to Junpei? Weren't Strega gone anyway?]
Did they...bring you back here right after that happened?
[Is Junpei doomed to return home just to be dead?]
[ Junpei looks at Eikichi after his question, pained. He holds the hand there, presses it as the reminder he's alive here and now. And then he gives Eikichi his hand back, glancing away again. ]
Get yourself cleaned up, Eiki-chin...
[ There's so much Junpei wants to say. There's so much he probably needs to say. But right now, he's not ready. And right now he doesn't trust himself...to not spill the entirety of his heart. The loss of Chidori only brings it into sharper contrast that time is limited. That he should make a move now and here before it's too late.
But also how could he dump all of that on Eikichi's shoulders? Eikichi is still reeling from all Junpei has told him compounded by the similarities between Eikichi's own battles and impending loss of memories. It's not the time for any of it.
But Junpei looks toward him again. ]
I'll tell you the whole story some day. I'm sure you could figure it out anyway...
[ He mentioned what Chidori could do with her life force before and her connection to Strega. And Junpei's not sure, but it's possible Eikichi could even sense the changed persona. All the pieces are known by his friend. He just needs to put them together. ]
[The suddenly change in tone cuts like a knife. Eikichi flinches as his eyes dart to the ground as he gets up.]
I said I was okay...
[He quickly glances back at Junpei and Jackson and rubs his eyebrows. He relents, knowing that whatever had happened to Junpei it was terrifying. Junpei's guess is right - he does feel something different about his Persona, but it's more like how he felt between Tatsuya's initial and ultimate one. Its song is unique, but he can't tell the tragedy that caused its birth. And he wants - no he needs to know what happened, but he also knows he can't figure it out right now. As he looks down at his torn shirt, he flicks another small branch from his hair and realizes how stupid he looks. Junpei's cryptic words sting deep into his own frustration at being powerless to do anything about it. Maybe he really does need a time out.]
Urgh! Fine. You're right, you're right. [He sighs, defeated.] I'll go take a shower. If you...need anything bro, let me know okay? It won't take too long.
[He throws the top part of his outfit on his bed, before grabbing some of his spare clothing and walks into the bathroom that appears on his side.]
[ His eyes linger on Eikichi as he pulls off the torn clothing, touched by his offer. Some might consider Eikichi self-centered, but what Junpei sees is a guy who is willing to take great steps to care for a friend over taking care of himself. He shakes his head, repeating words he's said in the past. This time they mean so much more, though. ]
Just being here for me as a friend, it's enough, Eikichi. Seriously.
[ He shifts to get comfortable on the bed, adjusting Jackson to sit up on his chest. ]
I promise I'm still gonna be here when you get out. So you don't gotta rush. Let me know if you need help in there, though.
[ He tosses out that last part as a partial tease. .....of course, if Eikichi were so inclined, Junpei would be there, no questions asked. ]
[He stops to laugh awkwardly as he stands by the door opening and leans against it. At least most of the annoyance he felt evaporates in an instant.]
Thanks bro, but I'm not fifty yet, I'm good.
[He'll close the door after that, not realizing that maybe that comment would come to haunt him later. And will give Junpei a good twenty or so minutes for him to think about life, the universe and everything.]
Junpei keeps his smile until Eikichi has disappeared and then it all crumbles again as he gets a moment alone. He gets up from where he's seated and makes his way to the discarded shirt, lifting it and hugging it close to his chest. Is it wise to be around Eikichi right now? Junpei's not so sure he can trust himself to respect boundaries when he's feeling so lost, alone and vulnerable. There's a self-destructive part of him that wants to open that bathroom door, step under that water and kiss Eikichi until both of them couldn't breathe -- to live in the moment like tomorrow will never come. Because there's a chance it won't.
But then. Miyabi.
Junpei draws the shirt back, thumbing the torn sleeve. He can feel the heft of that notebook Eikichi usually keeps on him somewhere in one of the pockets. The one that's surely full of Miyabi pictures. The girl who waits for him back home. Even with a remade world, Junpei imagines they'll still find each other. Like a great love story. In the unlikely scenario Eikichi did have feelings for Junpei, theirs is bound for a tragic path. It would be foolish to initiate anything knowing it will only hurt them both in the end.
He flings the shirt back onto the bed with a sigh and then falls back, arms outstretched. The notebook had fallen out of the pocket and Junpei tilts his head toward it. Maybe he needs the reminder of what Miyabi looked like. Maybe that will quash this stupid part of him that wants to do something downright reckless just to feel something other than hurt, fear, grief. Junpei reaches for the notebook and opens it up. ]
[Once Junpei opens it, he will quickly realize that this is not Miyabi's sketchbook, nor is it the sketchbook with everyone's pictures he'd shown him before either.
At first it does seem like a brand new general sketchbook, the title "Portraits #2" written in fancy kanji before leading to the first page of small drawings of other fae-napped that Eikichi had been drawing right before the castle had gone haywire. It continues in that same manner for a few more pages; friends and fae with at least one drawing of Junpei mixed in each page, if he pays close attention.
Then...nothing but a scribble as if he'd been trying to vent his frustration followed by an almost blank page that is half-torn and covered in charcoal fingers. Next to it, a list of locations hastily written in misspelled, panicked handwriting, no doubt due to being in a hurry to write them down. Two-third of them had a check-mark. 'Forest left upper area' was the last area that had been checked off, with 'Forest right upper area' being next.
It didn't take a genius to figure out these are locations Eikichi had been looking for him. He could have marked them in his leaf, but that could been followed by the fae. It felt like Eikichi was doing this in secret, perhaps even from the other Persona users.
Some of the charcoal of the notes had bleed over to the fingerprint-covered page, perhaps cluing him that there was something on the other side that had taken some effort to draw. And if he did turn that page, Junpei would find a sketch of himself that might be eerily close to how Chidori had drawn him, only in a smaller format and with clothing from this world. Perhaps the cleanest page of the entire sketchbook as the pages that follow are more charcoal drawings, but only of him. These hastily drawn artworks look like they might have come from a few times they'd taken leaf photos together coupled with Eikichi's own artistic interpretations of him like he'd been trying to draw from memory. Scribbled on one page;
[ When he first opens it and sees it's not the book he'd flipped through before, Junpei wonders if maybe he should stop looking at it. Not that he thinks Eikichi would mind him looking at his drawings because he'd allowed him to before, but this is clearly something new. It's only when he sees the first drawing of him mixed in there among the other Fae-napped that he pauses, his breath catching. Why wouldn't Eikichi draw him? He was sketching others here, so Junpei (as his friend) wasn't immune to being a muse. Even so, he feels a pang and quickly turns from it to see his other drawings.
But then he gets to the other half. The locations. Each marked off. It hurts. It hurts seeing this visual proof of Eikichi's search for him. It hurts to know that while Eikichi had looked, Junpei was off living a life with no memory of him. The next flip of the page causes his heart to drop. It's so similar -- so eerily similar to Chidori's drawing. Junpei's likeness perfectly captured in charcoal. He stares at it until it blurs through a sheen of tears and he uses his sleeve to try and wipe them away -- to turn the page and go through image after image of him. And by the time he gets to the blank pages, Junpei can't keep his tears from spilling. A few shamefully drop onto the paper, soaking through before he can try and dab it away.
Grief is one of those things that comes in waves. Just when Junpei thinks he's able to put himself back together, he'll be hit with a reminder of Chidori and begin to cry all over again. This pain is especially acute because not only is it grief over Chidori, but grief over the loss of Eikichi as well. What was it Eikichi had said that one time? The little poem. The one that ended with:
Worse than dead...forgotten.
Junpei hadn't fully grasped it when he recited it in the library. But now he knows. He knows the full weight of truth behind those words. He brings the notebook to his chest and the tears won't stop. He brings his knees up, arms wrapping them with the notebook still pinned close to his heart as he weeps. 'Don't forget him either,' Eikichi had written. But he's going to anyway. This whole thing might as well not even exist. There will be no mark on each others lives.
And Junpei doesn't know how to grapple with that. ]
[He might hear, amidst that pain, Eikichi sneezing and coughing a few times. Now that he's seen Junpei, the sleepiness is catching up to him rather quickly, and the sound of the shower drowns out any crying he might have heard. It is far quicker than his typical ones, as he realizes he'd not going anywhere for the next few hours. As he gets out and looks in the mirror, he realizes that even putting on lipstick would feel like a chore.]
Yeah...fuck this for now.
[He's drained, emotionally from talking about his own fights and seeing Junpei, and psychically from fighting forests creatures. When he steps out, he isn't wearing the clothing he went in with to put on, or any of his jewellery despite it being just the afternoon. Just a pair of underwear as Eikichi tosses everything else on his mattress' base frame. When he looks at Junpei, it's far more clear that he looks extremely tired and isn't quite fully there anymore. If this was a video game, his HP would be at 1 and his SP at 0.
He puts a hand on Junpei's shoulder to smile at him. If he sees what he's holding, or he's just on autopilot, it's hard to tell. Even he wouldn't remember much after he got out of the shower.]
Don't worry bro, everything going to be just fiiiii--
[As he plops on one of the beds on the floor to, in theory, sit to try to talk with Junpei, an urge to stretch his arms overcomes him. All the stress he had pent up just dissipates instantly as his entire figure leans and falls, as sleep overtakes him. Eikichi, who is usually so meticulous about how he sleeps (in this world anyway) is in a position where he's sleeping on the wrong side of the bed, his pillow resting at his feet. He'll be fine in a few hours.]
[ Junpei tries to compose himself when he hears the water turn off. He quickly tosses the notebook with Eikichi's torn shirt and wipes his eyes, sniffling all the while. They're all red and puffy, so it won't be any secret he'd been crying if Eikichi were to look at him. Fortunately for Junpei's pride, Eikichi comes out shambling like a dead man walking and it's clear exhaustion has taken its toll. He barely gets to sit on the bed before he's collapsing into sleep -- and oddly, it gives Junpei this warm sort of feeling. Eikichi had spent all that time looking for him, and now that Junpei's back, Eikichi can rest. He can let down his guard and feel at ease in Junpei's company.
Looking at Eikichi and seeing he's basically out like a light, Junpei moves from his spot in order to take the pillow and put it under Eikichi's head properly -- as well as draw those blankets up around him. He goes to collect Eikichi's clothes and at least fold them and put them out of the way, knowing how Eikichi likes things neat even though Junpei is not necessarily a neat person by nature. But this is the least he can do for him after Eikichi spent a week and a half tirelessly searching for him. He pauses and then goes to collect that notebook again, opening it to Eikichi's desperate checklist. Junpei writes down the dorm number and also Found next to it. Then underneath, he writes a little note: If I'm ever lost again, this is where you'll find me.
He tucks the notebook away, puts the charcoal back, and then turns to Eikichi. Junpei allows himself to be indulgent. Things had been very shitty for the past month. And they continue to be shitty even here. So he will take this one nice thing for himself, stripping to his boxers and climbing into bed with Eikichi -- tucking himself beneath one of those outstretched arms so he could wrap his own arm around Eikichi's midsection and curl against him. Just for tonight. Just let Junpei have this for tonight. ]
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no subject
Eikichi.
[ Slowly, life seems to come back to his eyes and his arms come up to return the embrace as they plow into his friend's room. ]
Eikichi...
[ He utters again, taking him in as though it's the first time he's ever seen him. Junpei thought he was a mess -- but Eikichi has been through it himself from the looks of him. Junpei reaches up, tenderly pulling the forest debris from his blue hair. And then the emotion slams into him like a freight train. Junpei curls forward, fisting the center of Eikichi's torn shirt. It had been a month since he'd seen him. Although, that's not entirely true. It felt like a lifetime since he'd seen him. Sixteen whole years. ]
Eikichi, is this--
[ Real. Junpei's life had become a nightmare. And he's not sure which is the worst part. Chidori's death. The impending death of the world. Or the knowledge that he'll forget Eikichi's existence as soon as he leaves this world. There's no helping him or Tatsuya. There's not a damned thing he can do. Doomed to forget it all...just the same as Eikichi and Tatsuya. ]
no subject
Is this...what?
[He's not sure what type of answer Junpei wants, because truthfully Eikichi is not sure what answer he has for him.]
You mean, the fae realm right? Yeah. When everyone returned to normal, you weren't there so I...thought maybe you'd gotten stuck somewhere else. Or you'd been turned into...
[A shadowman. He knows it can't happen, it's not like Nyarlathotep is here but...]
no subject
I came back just like everyone else. Then I got called to the throne room.
[ His teeth clench and he suddenly steps back from the hug to seize Eikichi's wrists. His grip is desperate. Wild. Haunted. ]
Whatever you do, if they come looking for you -- if they want you to go to the throne room and refuse to say why...you can't go. You can't go, Eikichi! Whether you have to fight them. Whether you get killed trying. You can't go!!
[ Junpei's shoulders heave. Tears begin to spill. And with a shuddering sob, he's back against Eikichi's chest -- arms wrapping around him again. The next thing he says is practically a whisper: ]
They'll send you home if you do. And I can't lose you like that...
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[...a lot to take in. Both from how Junpei is acting - clearly he was sent back to his world. Even someone like Eikichi can piece two and two together. He now knows why Junpei is acting this erratic, and there's a pang of pain at seeing him this open about the desperation, but also anger at the fae. But also...the whole irony of them being the only reason how they are able to be at the same place. He sighs, and hugs him again. If a bro needs a hug, he'll provide it. Bro code and all of that...]
...okay I promise I'll do my best to stay around for as long as possible and fight if I have to.
[Deep down, however, he knows. The world here doesn't have a solution. It's not a miracle place. It's twisted much like the fae and while not as horrible and terrifying as what he might have faced before, it still is, at its very core, a crossroad that isn't meant to be a permanent solution. Eventually they'll all need to go home. Eventually, they will have to say goodbye. Eventually, they'll have to forget. But each day, he wishes more and more he didn't have to, and that eats at him too.]
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You look like you've been through hell, man. Get yourself cleaned up. I'll....be okay.
[ A lie. ]
It must've been real lonely....a whole month without me around to pester ya!
[ He's trying so hard to return to some of his typical humor, but all of it rings hollow. Junpei seeks out Jackson as a distraction, clicking his tongue for the kitty's attention and hefting him up to carry over to the bed. He can't keep hugging Eikichi, after all. So it's slightly more acceptable to cuddle with the cat. ]
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Eh, just fought a few monsters in the forest. You should see how they look, bro. [He goes to look in his pockets and pulls out a tissue to give to Junpei, but part of it is already caked with some blood.] Oh. Never mind. [...] Oh! Don't worry, it's not my blood. [He digs into his other pocket, and finds a clean one, so he gives it to Junpei. Then tilts his head to the side like a confused puppy.]
A whole month? Nah bro, it's been about a week and half for us.
[Jackson looks delighted at seeing Junpei again, meowing at him before clawing his way up to his elbow even before he had begun clicking at him.]
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Oh.
Was he...looking for him? It's no secret it's where Junpei went from time to time to train on his own. At least it's no secret to Eikichi. His hands curl around the offered tissue, but the hand simply falls to his lap rather than doing anything with said tissue. What Eikichi says about time is all the more proof of how time is fucked up between their worlds and this one. ]
A week and a half.
[ He echoes, letting that sink in. Idly, he strokes Jackson behind the ear. ]
Sorry. To make you worry for even that long.
[ His eyes lower. There's a selfish part of him that wants to be in Eikichi's arms again, if only because for a brief period the world ceased to exist. In the loss of Chidori, Junpei hadn't allowed anyone to touch him -- hadn't bridged the gap himself. And yet, it was Eikichi who he reached for in the end, a guy a whole universe away. Doomed to share the same world and yet never cross paths. ]
Eikichi?
[ Junpei hugs Jackson to his chest, cuddling the little kitten, as his eyes meet Eikichi's. He always felt more connected to Eikichi and Tatsuya than the other persona users, but now he's never felt that connection stronger than in this moment. Junpei's not ready to talk about all of it, but he will at least say this much. ]
SEES doesn't win either.
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[He kinda figured that one out with what Junpei had said before. Still, no questions about how that went directly.]
It's fine bro. It's not like it was your fault anyway. [Truthfully, he'd been a slight mess, judging from his makeup, but the fact he knew that his name tag was there kept Eikichi from having his own breakdown. Maybe he just got a little more violent than normal. It's fine. It was all fine.]
Wait...w-wait...what do you mean by that? [There's a pit in his stomach as he clutches his chest. Was his group betrayed too? Did Nyarlathotep come back after all? Fuck fuck...] But-but the Phantom Thieves! W-we know they exist too right?
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We were tricked by that asshole Ikutsuki into beating all the Full Moon shadows. His plan all along was for us to defeat them so they could all merge into one supreme being and initiate The Fall. Death is coming for the world. There's no stopping it. Our only choices right now are to give up our memories and die in peace...or try to fight it and die.
[ Junpei looks up, brows drawn together. For him, this literally just happened only an hour ago, so it's still all too fresh. ]
I've never been more scared of what's to come in my life, man.
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What a load of fucking bullshit. [If he means between the choices or death coming to the world, he's not exactly explaining. He sits next to Junpei and sighs.]
...I get it. Facing off against Nyarlathotep was terrifying. He took the form of our fathers fused together...[But this isn't about him. It's about Junpei. He takes one of the other's hand and squeezes it briefly.]...thinking back to everything that happened, if I'd been offered the chance to give up our memories to die in peace or fight him, then have to give up our memories anyway...I'd still fight him.
I think...that's what you're implying, right? You know you want to fight, but you don't know how it will turn out? That'll be like us?
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Eikichi's touch feels like a lifeline. It keeps him grounded. Keeps him from breaking entirely. ]
Yeah. Even if we find a way to win, we're still gonna forget. If the Dark Hour ends, our memories go with it. So no matter how this plays out, we're going to lose something. Not that anyone but Minato can make the decision anyway.
[ A darkness toes at the edge of his last remark. This is far from the playful rivalry. It's something bitter. Something angry. This is all Minato's fault in a way, isn't it? He was the one who carried Ryoji or whatever the hell Ryoji is for most of his life. Junpei tries to push it to the side -- he tries squeezing Eikichi's hand so he can get some of that grounding energy again. When it doesn't work as well as it did initially, Junpei scoots closer, head falling onto Eikichi's shoulder. ]
What was it like to fight that guy? The Nyarly guy. What's it like to face off against a god?
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That's a hell of a lot of pressure to just put on a single person, leader or not. I don't know if I could take that type of decision without cracking, personally...
[Unlike Junpei's bitterness, Eikichi sees it more like having to make an impossible trolley decision for all of them. Of course, he doesn't know about Ryoji either, but he knows what they had to do back then, and it was a group decision. For the greater good, in part caused by the very same thing that was giving them that opportunity. Good think Tatsuya had punched him. What would have happened if any of them had faltered? He doesn't know. Maybe he himself did, and he got taken just before he rejects the idea of losing his friends.
Or maybe....or maybe that's why he hasn't talked with Tatsuya yet. Afraid of the clues that had been building up.
But he can think about that later. He brings his free hand to his forehead and runs against it for a few seconds to think.]
He's not exactly a god. He's more a force or something primal that's in all of us. Before he left, he called himself the Shadow of humanity. As long as there is darkness in our hearts he exists. How to describe fighting him?
Well, he's evil incarnate, bro. We fought him in the centre of the collective unconsciousness. I told you before how Jun got brainwashed by him? Well the fucker brought back both his parents to life strung on crosses in front of him, just to kill them again after he let them talk to Jun. He slapped Lisa on the face when she tried to attack him. Just thinking about everything he did to set us up makes me blood boil. I wanted to kill him so, so bad. Strangle his neck to see him choke. He could turn into anyone or anything...
When we fought him, he turned into a form that was all our fathers fused together into an unholy creature. It was frightening and disheartening and infuriating all at once. If we didn't have any Personas, I think any normal human would have gone mad at the sight of him. He corrupts all he touches.
When we won, he couldn't accept it, that bastard had an ace up his sleeve. He cheated. He had one of Tatsuya's schoolteachers who had been part of this grand conspiracy gone mad into believing the prophesy needed her to kill Maya with the Spear of Destiny. And that set off the rest of the damn rumor and the world stopped spinning, killing anyone who wasn't on the spaceship we were on.
[The more he speaks, the more he realizes he's increasing the pressure on Junpei's hand and releases it all at once.]
Shit. Sorry.
[He shakes his head.]
The only reason I'm not as angry anymore is I met you and the other people in our future. So I know that in the end, bastard didn't get to saviour his goddamn victory.
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Neither is a battle that can be won in any straightforward way. And as Eikichi explains the things he faced, that's proof right there, isn't it? Eikichi is one of the most good-hearted people Junpei has ever met and even he has his own bit of darkness -- that swirling anger at how he wanted to take out this guy. It's understandable. And Junpei felt his own rage similar toward Takaya and Jin. After Junpei had done the impossible and cheated death...
He grimaces a little when Eikichi's grip gradually tightens, but he doesn't complain. It's not until Eikichi has pulled back that Junpei even acknowledges any hurt by flexing his fingers. Sensation has returned to him in full. That's...probably a good thing, right?
His eyes meet Eikichi's after he concludes his story and his heart beats a little quicker at that mention of meeting him being a reason he's not angry anymore. Of course, Eikichi includes the others in that as well, but he very clearly mentioned Junpei first. And Junpei very quickly realizes those things he started to feel before he vanished and went home for a month -- they're still there. In fact, they might be even stronger now, knowing they're on borrowed time. Knowing that Junpei will someday lose Eikichi forever.
He looks away, toward Jackson...uncertain what to say and remaining quiet for a breath of time. ]
As long as there's still good in the world, Darkness can never have it. Not fully. And you guys...you're about as good as you can get.
[ He offers a faint smile. It fades off after a bit. ]
I guess....it's the same kinda thing for Nyx. Humans willed death into the world, and so she's coming to deliver their wish. I can't say I ever wished for death, but there was a relief when it came for me.
[ Slowly, he reclaims Eikichi's hand to bring it to his chest -- right where his heart beats. ]
I was shot. Fatally. By Strega.
[ And for now, he leaves it there. Not wanting to talk about Chidori. Not wanting to rehash her sacrifice. It should have been him who died that night. ]
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[He smiles back when Junpei does, but it quickly sinks as he continues on, turning into a frown.]
Humanity wishes for darkness, humanity wishes for death, humanity wishes for...[shit what did the Phantom Thieves fight? He doesn't really know so he just waves his hand around for dramatic effect.]...I don't know! Some other bullshit excuse they'll like to blame on us. Fuck 'em all!
[Then he stops. Wait. He died?! The world around them suddenly goes silent, except for Jackson's soft purr and the heartbeat under his hand. That doesn't make any sense.]
Y-you died? I...don't say that like that man...[Did Maya feel relief too when she died, bleeding out from the wound? He turns his head away from him because it's painful to think about Junpei living the same thing. ]...sorry I...
[It's been months of being here, but Maya's death is still a fresh memory as if it happened five minutes ago. How did it happen to Junpei? Weren't Strega gone anyway?]
Did they...bring you back here right after that happened?
[Is Junpei doomed to return home just to be dead?]
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Get yourself cleaned up, Eiki-chin...
[ There's so much Junpei wants to say. There's so much he probably needs to say. But right now, he's not ready. And right now he doesn't trust himself...to not spill the entirety of his heart. The loss of Chidori only brings it into sharper contrast that time is limited. That he should make a move now and here before it's too late.
But also how could he dump all of that on Eikichi's shoulders? Eikichi is still reeling from all Junpei has told him compounded by the similarities between Eikichi's own battles and impending loss of memories. It's not the time for any of it.
But Junpei looks toward him again. ]
I'll tell you the whole story some day. I'm sure you could figure it out anyway...
[ He mentioned what Chidori could do with her life force before and her connection to Strega. And Junpei's not sure, but it's possible Eikichi could even sense the changed persona. All the pieces are known by his friend. He just needs to put them together. ]
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I said I was okay...
[He quickly glances back at Junpei and Jackson and rubs his eyebrows. He relents, knowing that whatever had happened to Junpei it was terrifying. Junpei's guess is right - he does feel something different about his Persona, but it's more like how he felt between Tatsuya's initial and ultimate one. Its song is unique, but he can't tell the tragedy that caused its birth. And he wants - no he needs to know what happened, but he also knows he can't figure it out right now. As he looks down at his torn shirt, he flicks another small branch from his hair and realizes how stupid he looks. Junpei's cryptic words sting deep into his own frustration at being powerless to do anything about it. Maybe he really does need a time out.]
Urgh! Fine. You're right, you're right. [He sighs, defeated.] I'll go take a shower. If you...need anything bro, let me know okay? It won't take too long.
[He throws the top part of his outfit on his bed, before grabbing some of his spare clothing and walks into the bathroom that appears on his side.]
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Just being here for me as a friend, it's enough, Eikichi. Seriously.
[ He shifts to get comfortable on the bed, adjusting Jackson to sit up on his chest. ]
I promise I'm still gonna be here when you get out. So you don't gotta rush. Let me know if you need help in there, though.
[ He tosses out that last part as a partial tease. .....of course, if Eikichi were so inclined, Junpei would be there, no questions asked. ]
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Thanks bro, but I'm not fifty yet, I'm good.
[He'll close the door after that, not realizing that maybe that comment would come to haunt him later. And will give Junpei a good twenty or so minutes for him to think about life, the universe and everything.]
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Junpei keeps his smile until Eikichi has disappeared and then it all crumbles again as he gets a moment alone. He gets up from where he's seated and makes his way to the discarded shirt, lifting it and hugging it close to his chest. Is it wise to be around Eikichi right now? Junpei's not so sure he can trust himself to respect boundaries when he's feeling so lost, alone and vulnerable. There's a self-destructive part of him that wants to open that bathroom door, step under that water and kiss Eikichi until both of them couldn't breathe -- to live in the moment like tomorrow will never come. Because there's a chance it won't.
But then. Miyabi.
Junpei draws the shirt back, thumbing the torn sleeve. He can feel the heft of that notebook Eikichi usually keeps on him somewhere in one of the pockets. The one that's surely full of Miyabi pictures. The girl who waits for him back home. Even with a remade world, Junpei imagines they'll still find each other. Like a great love story. In the unlikely scenario Eikichi did have feelings for Junpei, theirs is bound for a tragic path. It would be foolish to initiate anything knowing it will only hurt them both in the end.
He flings the shirt back onto the bed with a sigh and then falls back, arms outstretched. The notebook had fallen out of the pocket and Junpei tilts his head toward it. Maybe he needs the reminder of what Miyabi looked like. Maybe that will quash this stupid part of him that wants to do something downright reckless just to feel something other than hurt, fear, grief. Junpei reaches for the notebook and opens it up. ]
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At first it does seem like a brand new general sketchbook, the title "Portraits #2" written in fancy kanji before leading to the first page of small drawings of other fae-napped that Eikichi had been drawing right before the castle had gone haywire. It continues in that same manner for a few more pages; friends and fae with at least one drawing of Junpei mixed in each page, if he pays close attention.
Then...nothing but a scribble as if he'd been trying to vent his frustration followed by an almost blank page that is half-torn and covered in charcoal fingers. Next to it, a list of locations hastily written in misspelled, panicked handwriting, no doubt due to being in a hurry to write them down. Two-third of them had a check-mark. 'Forest left upper area' was the last area that had been checked off, with 'Forest right upper area' being next.
It didn't take a genius to figure out these are locations Eikichi had been looking for him. He could have marked them in his leaf, but that could been followed by the fae. It felt like Eikichi was doing this in secret, perhaps even from the other Persona users.
Some of the charcoal of the notes had bleed over to the fingerprint-covered page, perhaps cluing him that there was something on the other side that had taken some effort to draw. And if he did turn that page, Junpei would find a sketch of himself that might be eerily close to how Chidori had drawn him, only in a smaller format and with clothing from this world. Perhaps the cleanest page of the entire sketchbook as the pages that follow are more charcoal drawings, but only of him. These hastily drawn artworks look like they might have come from a few times they'd taken leaf photos together coupled with Eikichi's own artistic interpretations of him like he'd been trying to draw from memory. Scribbled on one page;
Don't forget him either.
Before the drawings stop a few page after.]
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But then he gets to the other half. The locations. Each marked off. It hurts. It hurts seeing this visual proof of Eikichi's search for him. It hurts to know that while Eikichi had looked, Junpei was off living a life with no memory of him. The next flip of the page causes his heart to drop. It's so similar -- so eerily similar to Chidori's drawing. Junpei's likeness perfectly captured in charcoal. He stares at it until it blurs through a sheen of tears and he uses his sleeve to try and wipe them away -- to turn the page and go through image after image of him. And by the time he gets to the blank pages, Junpei can't keep his tears from spilling. A few shamefully drop onto the paper, soaking through before he can try and dab it away.
Grief is one of those things that comes in waves. Just when Junpei thinks he's able to put himself back together, he'll be hit with a reminder of Chidori and begin to cry all over again. This pain is especially acute because not only is it grief over Chidori, but grief over the loss of Eikichi as well. What was it Eikichi had said that one time? The little poem. The one that ended with:
Worse than dead...forgotten.
Junpei hadn't fully grasped it when he recited it in the library. But now he knows. He knows the full weight of truth behind those words. He brings the notebook to his chest and the tears won't stop. He brings his knees up, arms wrapping them with the notebook still pinned close to his heart as he weeps. 'Don't forget him either,' Eikichi had written. But he's going to anyway. This whole thing might as well not even exist. There will be no mark on each others lives.
And Junpei doesn't know how to grapple with that. ]
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Yeah...fuck this for now.
[He's drained, emotionally from talking about his own fights and seeing Junpei, and psychically from fighting forests creatures. When he steps out, he isn't wearing the clothing he went in with to put on, or any of his jewellery despite it being just the afternoon. Just a pair of underwear as Eikichi tosses everything else on his mattress' base frame. When he looks at Junpei, it's far more clear that he looks extremely tired and isn't quite fully there anymore. If this was a video game, his HP would be at 1 and his SP at 0.
He puts a hand on Junpei's shoulder to smile at him. If he sees what he's holding, or he's just on autopilot, it's hard to tell. Even he wouldn't remember much after he got out of the shower.]
Don't worry bro, everything going to be just fiiiii--
[As he plops on one of the beds on the floor to, in theory, sit to try to talk with Junpei, an urge to stretch his arms overcomes him. All the stress he had pent up just dissipates instantly as his entire figure leans and falls, as sleep overtakes him. Eikichi, who is usually so meticulous about how he sleeps (in this world anyway) is in a position where he's sleeping on the wrong side of the bed, his pillow resting at his feet. He'll be fine in a few hours.]
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Looking at Eikichi and seeing he's basically out like a light, Junpei moves from his spot in order to take the pillow and put it under Eikichi's head properly -- as well as draw those blankets up around him. He goes to collect Eikichi's clothes and at least fold them and put them out of the way, knowing how Eikichi likes things neat even though Junpei is not necessarily a neat person by nature. But this is the least he can do for him after Eikichi spent a week and a half tirelessly searching for him. He pauses and then goes to collect that notebook again, opening it to Eikichi's desperate checklist. Junpei writes down the dorm number and also Found next to it. Then underneath, he writes a little note: If I'm ever lost again, this is where you'll find me.
He tucks the notebook away, puts the charcoal back, and then turns to Eikichi. Junpei allows himself to be indulgent. Things had been very shitty for the past month. And they continue to be shitty even here. So he will take this one nice thing for himself, stripping to his boxers and climbing into bed with Eikichi -- tucking himself beneath one of those outstretched arms so he could wrap his own arm around Eikichi's midsection and curl against him. Just for tonight. Just let Junpei have this for tonight. ]